Ok for those of you that may be very judgemental maybe this is not a post for you to be reading because I feel like I’ll get a lot of hate mail after this but basically over the past six months there have been times I’ve wished that maybe my milk will run out soon and that way Olive will need to be fully on formula, baby cereals and food because if it has run out there is nothing I can do about her having to eat these alternatives whereas if I stopped breastfeeding her and I still have milk I mean…I’d just see myself as a terrible mother. For reasons such as; perhaps I can have a beer whenever I’d like to or a coffee or whatever it is I’d like to put into my system without it affecting Olive, this is so selfish, I know! To be fair, it’s been the whole pregnancy plus 6 months of always watching everything I do so that Olive doesn’t ingest anything bad (some people may think that this is a very short time but it’s seemed pretty long to me). But this morning as I was feeding Olive, I realised that this is THE ONE THING that I can do with Olive that absolutely no one else can and what a beautiful thing that is! This is mine and Olives bonding time. This is me giving Olive everything her body needs and how could I ever have wanted to wish that away?
I just want to add that I have ran out twice and I panicked!!!! I took medicine and natural things like fenugreek etc, I was so depressed about it, not being able to feed my baby. So I guess these thoughts come up but maybe deep down its not what I want. These are just thoughts that come up once or twice and I guess its just in the moments when Im not able to do what id like to do without repercussions for O.
I love my baby girl and I only want what’s best for her, whatever I have to give doesn’t matter, it’s all beyond worth it! ❤️ I love you O, sorry for wishing that 🙈